I decided to detox my life…

There was a time in my book of life when I was in the thick of toxic drama. Back then I couldn’t identify it as dysfunctional, because interacting with others in this way was the “norm” for me. I experienced Groundhog Day betrayal – in every form – in romantic relationships friendships, in work collaborations, and with family.

My pet peeve is injustice, so I would somehow, someway find my way into the middle of conflicts, and jump in as the rescuer, only to ‘get screwed’ over in the end, leaving me the victim of the story. Sound Familiar?

Eventually, this pattern would bring me to a cross roads. I was exhausted, drained, anxious, continuously on the rollercoaster of white knuckling life.

A part of me – the wise intuitive part who always has my back, who steers me towards my authenticity, who comforts me in times when I get off track – reminded me that my true nature was one of peace, integrity, health, and vibrancy. I realised I had surrounded myself with ‘energy vampires’ – the kind of people who drain the life out of you, always needing attention, always stuck in the same situation and using my energy (time, listening, attention) to fill the deep wound they have within. I was haemorrhaging my power, and somehow I signed up for this….

I had enough. I wanted peace more than being seen as ’the helper’, more than being acknowledged by others, more than being liked, more than fullfiling the ‘good-girl’ expectation of me. I had to get real about my investment, and why I was in the middle of this chaos….

It took,

One part Psychology + One part Courage + One part Magic = Fierce Freedom!

One part Psychology

In my early twenties, I was in a toxic relationship for 5 years. The relationship was a rollercoaster of highs and lows. It started with being ‘love bombed’, and when you have low self-esteem, this is intoxicating. For once you are ’seen’, ‘loved’, ‘appreciated’, ‘heard’ and I was hooked. As the months progressed this ‘love-bombing’ pendulum swung to its opposite extreme. I was ignored, he was never available emotionally, unsupportive of my growing career, constant criticism and nit-picking, he would argue about everything, my opinions were never ‘right’. Day by day I would lose my autonomy, my sense of self, my confidence, my voice, the little self-esteem I started with. Any social engagement turned into a massive drama, he would end up in a derogatory argument with my friends or family, I would feel deeply embarrassed and then in private conversation with my friends or family to try and clean up the mess by defending him. Slowly I started isolating myself.

I justified his toxic behaviour by telling myself things like ’no-one understood him’, ‘he has deep wounding, and won’t let anyone in but me’, “he does have a kind side’, ‘we know each other from a past life’, ’this is a soul contract’, etc.   When he was in trouble I would drop everything and run, and then be berated for being overly concerned. When I was in trouble, he would complain about the inconvenience. He was always available to his friends. He was always available for the drugs. I was an after thought. It was all about him – all of the time. We were in the push-pull entanglement of co-dependency. I was in deep denial for the first 4 years that I was in fact in an abusive relationship. It was my blindspot. 

One part Courage

I needed to face the truth in order to be free.

”The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.”

Gloria Steinheim

The truth is that drama doesn’t just find you. You are either engaging in it, creating it or enabling it. Dammit! This was a tough one to swallow. If this premise was true, and I was solely responsible for my experience of life and relationships, this meant that I had chosen the poster boy for Narcissim!!!

I needed to ask myself the hard catalytic questions: 

  1. What pay-off did I get from creating drama? 
  2. Which part of my myself was I betraying by enabling drama? 
  3. Why was the rescuer role I choose to play attracted to people who would drain me completely? And is this a true reflection of healthy support?

I needed to dig deep. I needed to call on the courageous part of me, who was willing to be wrong, willing to change, willing to face the truth, willing to surrender the part of me who was entangled in the pattern. 

The truth was, even though I was completing my postgraduate degree in Clinical Psychology at the time, and knew the theory, I had not yet addressed my childhood wounding.
My father was diagnosed with a personality disorder when I was around 9 years old. As with many personality disorders, substance abuse was part of the equation. Toxic conflict, drama, aggression, and codependency was the backdrop to my childhood. This was our normthis was my blind spot. 

During this time I attended the Louise Hay Facilitator training course. On that course, my amazing teacher posed a question which would shatter my denial and illusions, and ulitmately ignite profound emotional healing for me. I told her I had dealt with my ‘Daddy Issues”, that I had forgiven him, that I understood the dynamics of addicts, personality disorders, codependency, etc.

She held a compassionate gaze whilst listening to me, and asked: “I want to know how that 6 year old little girl felt when her father choose the bottle over her?” 
After breaking ‘my rule’ of never crying infront of others, and processing the watershed of emotions which this question awakend within me. My healing journey began. I realised that my ‘little girl’ had decided that she was not worthy to be a no1 priority. That she was not ‘good enough’ to get sober for, not ‘good enough’ to be emotionally present for, so she tried harder to please him by being the perfect daughter. I realised that this story I told myself at 6, was still playing out at 24, and that this narrative was hurting me.

In deeper exploration during therapy, I realised that if I didn’t choose myself; if I didn’t love myself unconditionally; if I couldn’t be compassionate with myself – how could I receive it from anyone else? 

If I didn’t shift this mindset, I would keep choosing lovers, friends, work colleagues, bosses who would treat me with disrespect and I would continue to try to prove my worth. And we would continue to dance the dance of the toxic drama triangle. I realised I had betrayed myself, and treated my inner child with the same disregard as the wounded adults around her, and the people she was choosing to surround herself with in adulthood. 
It was time to make a change… it was time to detox the disillusionment, the non-truths, the toxic….

One part Magic

Because we are so much more than just mind and body…

I started a cleansing ritual. I rose each morning, barefoot on the soil, and released all banked resentments, debris, beliefs which disempowered me and parts of self still addicted to the ‘excitement’ or adrenaline ‘rush’ of drama.

I started consciously calling back all my power I had given away… and also returned any power I took from anyone else, either consciously or unconsciously. I would state my intention, connect with that wise part of me who guides me to choose my authentic power, to connect, to walk my values, to stay rooted for my Rise. 

The good news is that even if we were conditioned for engaging in drama, we can learn new healthy tools to disengage from it and to live, love and lead from authentic power.  And in the process, Be the change, uplift and inspire others to meet us here.

Once I decided to detox my mindset and heartscape from toxic drama, my whole world changed. I walked away from people, habits, and places which wasn’t serving my highest truth.

Fierce Freedom

I started developing a healthy relationship with myself, deepened my sense of worth and belonging. As I started setting boundaries in place, where I was wasn’t respecting myself (and therefor not others either), I started valuing my time, energy, my contribution towards life changed as a whole.

I began to have increased energy, to feel an abundance of inner peace, a deeper compassion. 

I met a wonderful man who respects me, gives me the freedom to be ALL of myself, supports me on my soul-path, inspires me to be the kind of woman I am proud to be. We share a deep love for nature, and live on a smallholding in the country practicing permaculture. Each morning when we sit in silence together welcoming the day, listening to the bird song, noticing the bees, the new dragonflies around the pond and meeting new creatures who have come to join the eco-system, we exhale in gratitude for the magnificence of life. 

When you walk away from the drama – a life you never thought possible awaits for you… and you will discover the part of you which you were longing to embody, to connect with, to live, love and lead as… The Sovereign Queen within … 

Are you ready for your own #dramadetox? I’ve just created a free 7 day experience which will get you on the fast-track to vibrant living!