Do you earn your self-worth through placing others needs first?
|Tough question, I know. |
However, this is exactly the type of catalytic question we need to ask ourselves if we truly want to live an expansive meaningful life – embodied with personal freedom, grace & authentic expression.
I want to share a story about a “selfless” woman… perhaps you will be able to relate to her and see parts of yourself in her story…
Rebecca is a kind-hearted, deeply caring, super nice lady.
She is well loved by her community, she is constantly there for others.
Everyone knows that they can call on Rebecca for anything they need… and she will be there – running errands, listening to your complaints, leading campaigns, picking up the load no else wants to, attending almost every social event,school prize giving, professional mingles, supporting her partner’s rising career, her children’s accomplishments and running her own side business all at the same time.
|From the outside it seems like Rebecca is PERFECT! She has everything under control, she is happy, successful, has it all. She is popular, beautiful, kind, accomplished.|
On the inside – Rebecca feels overwhelmed and fatigued. She does not feel perfect nor happy nor popular. There is a constant critical voice within – which she is sometimes conscious of, at other times not- which tells her that she is “not good enough”, and needs to “be more, do more and have more”
….Her body, mind and heart is exhausted.
From time to time she feels resentful towards everyone who demands so much of her attention.
She feels guilty when she has to run from one coffee meeting to the next errand she is doing for someone else. Her mind is scattered in a hundred different directions.
She feels guilty when she says no to a favour, because she feels so blessed in her own life.
She feels guilty when she is so exhausted, that she doesn’t have the extra patience with her kids at night.
Sometimes when she looks in the mirror, she doesn’t know who she is anymore…. And feels like a fraud… but she’s too deep in now.
People have given her this title of ‘SUPER-woman’ – and now she has to live up to being the Super-mom-friend-daughter-wife-lover-entrepreneur….
Sometimes, in the privacy of her own thoughts she fantasizes about running away…. being completely anonymous… not needing to care for anyone else…. no demands to take care of…nothing to fix or rescue…. no needing to be ‘someone’ for everyone else.
She is always saying yes to everyone else, but never says YES to her own needs.
And then one day…. After years of living this pattern – placing everyone else’s needs in-front of her own well-being….
Her body said a hard NO!!!!
Her body said STOP.
Her body demanded to be listened to.
Her body said : “ I have LIMITS”.
She had no choice, and had to listen.
And this is how Rebecca came to sit in my office, to start her Heroine’s journey into the heart of this pattern which needed to change NOW, or her health, relationships and business would be compromised further.
We uncovered that this pattern of pleasing others through self-sacrifice was rooted in early childhood.
When she behaved in a way her primary caregivers wanted her too, she was praised, loved, acknowledged.
When she didn’t behave in accordance with their expectations, she was shamed, dismissed and love was withheld.
This was the first time she placed on the mask, the first time she started EARNING HER WORTH THROUGH PEOPLE PLEASING….
This became her survival pattern into adulthood.
At 40, she realised she barely ever asked herself
what she needed?
What she truly wanted? Or
How she wanted to spend her one precious life…
Her biggest breakthrough came the moment she could let go of the fear of being discovered as a ‘fraud’ – and uncovered that the disease to please was the real fraudster…
it was the identity she created to earn her value…
We did an inventory of the true costs of wearing this mask…the costs were simply too high…
We braved into the part she played in these relationship dynamics. She taught others to depend on her. She gave away her power to needing other’s approval of her – this was the only way she felt good enough.
When Rebecca could own her story, she stopped hustling for her worthiness outside of herself…
She learnt the profound value of setting boundaries to protect her worth, her health, her freedom, her emotional well-being.
She learnt that when others got really upset by her setting these new boundaries, that it was about their own needs which no longer got met.
Now, Rebecca practices the Sacred No – guilt free.
And this has changed her whole life!
Knowing that when she says No, she is saying yes to inner peace, freedom, well-being and radical self-care.
Now, when she says Yes, it is in alignment with her value system which is rooted in compassion, love, truth, connection and being present whole-heartedly.
As Rebecca kept building healthy boundaries, and rediscovered her authentic self, she chooses to live, love and lead her best, beautiful life!
If you can relate to Rebecca, and you are READY to do the ‘the work”, brave the Heroine’s journey into Building Boundaries which cultivate living, loving and leading your BEST, most Beautiful Life – then perhaps this Masterclass is for you?
May we root for our Rise in knowing our value -with every fibre of our being!