A while ago I wrote an e-book called “Drama Detox”. Its a concept, paradigm shift and practice I facilitate across all fields – corporate to private. In the quest to establish authentic relationships, drama free living is a pivotal
skill. This is why I included a card called Drama Detox amidst the intuitive action markers, in my Feminine Wisdom Oracle Deck . Our addiction to drama has penetrated almost every interaction we have….
The drama life-cycle starts with telling a story which is not yours to share. Followed by the consequences of betrayal, both of yourself and the persons’ story you told. Next you will experience the shame spiral decent into the underworld of shadow reactions, wounded beliefs, ghosts of painful pasts and white knuckle your way through the drama.
This toxic way of relating to one another comes at a very high cost…. at times on levels and layers we are not cognizant of……if we were…. we would STOP.
It steals trust, true connection, compassion, and friendships.
The catalytic truth is…. it takes 3 to tango in this game….. Which steps do you dance on autopilot?
How do you contaminate or enable drama triangles in your world?
The #1 way in which women betray each other is through dishonouring confidence.
How do we betray each other?
We gossip, we lie, we compare & compete. Through having a conversation about someone who is not in the room, sharing someone’s secret or story.
Why do we betray each other ?
This is a question I ask in women’s circles when we work to heal the sisterhood wounds…. the answers are usually: power, envy, jealousy, self-loathing, addiction to drama, feeling important (the one with all the information).
This wound is deeply embedded within the psyche of women. It is often rooted in our mother/daughter separation rites.
The harsh, yet liberating truth is that its all about external validation, if we do not get treated the way we think we should be treated, we want other people to make us look good, feel good and when we do not get it we get mean and “persecute” them.
These unresolved issues leads to shadow behaviour amidst our sistars for instance: toxic competition and comparison which leads to jealousy and envy, rooted in the unhealthy paradigm which says “If she has, then there isn’t enough for me. Or if I have I am taking away from someone else“.
Are you a contaminator or an enabler?
Here is an example I can assure you that you’ve experienced, and probably played a part in each role of this particular drama triangle.
Lilly’s friendship with Amber has become estranged for various reasons. One of the friendship boundaries Lilly has asked for is for Amber to not discuss issues she has with her behind her back. In essence they have grown apart, as friendships do. They both have a mutual friend Jasmin. Amber fears conflict and in times of stress she plays the victim role (i.e. not taking accountability for her own actions but rather blaming others for her hurt feelings). Amber no longer contacts Lilly. When Amber sees Jasmin, she always asks about Lilly. “How is she doing? What is is she up to? ” Jasmin is now in a precarious position.
Does she answer Amber?
What would you do? What do you usually do…..?
If she answers, is she enabling a betrayal?
If Jasmin answers Amber, she is enabling the drama triangle. If Lilly wanted Amber to know personal details about her life, she would tell her. Amber is not in the “know-how” for a reason. If she answers Amber, she is enabling her victim role, instead of encouraging her to resolve conflict and consequently developing interpersonal skills.
If Jasmin tells Amber details of Lilly’s life, and she wants to maintain a friendship based on trust with Lilly, she has to now tell Lilly what she told Amber. This puts her friendship on the line…
What would be an answer which would keep Jasmin out of the drama triangle?
Its simple. Jasmin: “Amber, if you would like to know how Lilly is doing, call her. I am sure she would want to tell you her news herself.”
Amber is contaminating both friendships by asking questions about someone she is estranged with. She is putting Jasmin in an uncomfortable position, and still not resolving the estranged friendship issue herself.
Have you been in Amber, Lilly or Jasmin’s position? How did you react in each position? How did it feel? How will you respond in the future?
If you have been or are in a situation like this, it is vital that you resolve the issue with compassion, vulnerable truth and clear boundaries. These are the golden keys to creative conflict resolution.
Sacred Feminine practice is embodied by holding sacred space for one another.
Its time to let this old structure go, time to be accountable for our energy, forgive ourselves and others for this behaviour, and Be the embodiment of who we truly are….
Let’s create a new way of being with one another. One in which we practice holding sacred space. One in which we practice “If its not your story to tell, you don’t tell it”.
Lets break the cycle and teach our daughters the heart-path of cultivating trust in relationships, engage in authentic expression and hold a sacred container for each others stories.