“He’s all I’ve got” is the most dangerous sentence any woman (or man ) can tell themselves. Often the person uttering these words, is in deep denial about the gravity of what this truly means.
If such a statement was true, it would mean: that your partner is the ONLY thing you have in this world, you are saying that they are the reason you exist, or breathe; they are responsible for your mood, your happiness, your sadness; your dreams and goals depend on them, your career and family life depended on them. Your life would be vitally dependently intertwined with this person, and if they exhale their last breathe, you will exhale your last breathe.
What happens when you do have to face such a reality? What happens when they are no longer in your life? By break-up, divorce or death: Do you stop living?
Do you stop existing?
Will you physically evaporate into sunlight, since your existence is based upon theirs?
Let us myth bust this illusion right now! No, you will not die, you will not evaporate, you will not lose everything ( *the opposite actually, you will gain everything). You may feel that your “whole world has ended”, and that “your heart is breaking” and yet in truth you are experiencing a re-birth…. Words are profoundly important both energetically and psychologically.
This very destructive and controlling relationship dynamic is projected all around us. It is prevalent in movies (the infamous line ” you complete me”), in poetry, in lyrics of songs, in fairy-tales.
If you are in a co-dependent relationship or have experienced them in the past, chances are your parents were also in a co-dependent relationship. We crystalize our beliefs about relationships in our formative years and this modeling is the example we experienced in childhood. These belief systems that we model, are the basis for what we experience in our future relationships. It governs what we think a relationship “should” be like; what role-identities “should” look like; which behaviours are allowed; and which not; how lovers “should” interact with one another. When these co-dependent relationships are then also reflected by the society around us, through media, we begin to think “so, it has to be normal right?” And so it becomes the norm.
We buy into this illusion because we have no prior reference to a healthier example and probably have low self-esteem.
Perhaps the first time we are exposed to this unhealthy belief as women is when we first hear about the rescuer in a fairy-tale. The princess in distress, that needs the prince to come and save her from the evil witch. Sound familiar?
Then there is the playground boy, who throws a rock at you, and the teacher and your mother tells you that the “truth” is that this little boy actually likes you, and that is why he threw a rock at your head!?! You will not believe how common this experience really is amongst women. This is the first time we teach women that abuse is ok, and gets accepted.
Deep within your being, at the core of your authentic self, there is a voice… It starts with a whisper, which grows louder each time you ignore it. And just before you are ready to awaken, ready to break through this illusion it becomes a sonic roar.
When I was creating co-dependencies within all my relationships, I knew about this whisper~ I heard it in the scarce silent moments I allowed myself, the moments in between the loops on that addictive roller coaster. I heard it when I called “Why” in the silent moments – when my tears ran dry – in between dramas and adrenaline spikes. The more I listened, the clearer that voice within became, the clearer my relationships became, the more I found the truth.
It definitely takes courage to step out of the fog of denial, and into the sunlight of accountability… and I promise you, that you have that peaceful warrior within you! The truth will always illuminate all illusions…. and set you free…
How do you know you are in a co-dependent relationship?
- You are desperate for his affections
- When he is in a bad mood, you are in a bad mood
- You can not make any decisions without him/her
- You spend all of your time together, he IS your life and you do not have a life outside of this relationship
- You think and say things like “He is all that I have in this world”
- You fear and dread the day that he ever leaves you or abandons you
- You change your behaviour, belief systems, and friends to suit him and what he would like and accept
- You are over sensitive to rejection, and take everything personally
- You excuse behaviour your friends think are unhealthy with statements like, “but no one understands him” and then isolate yourself from those friends because they do not support your relationship.
- You believe that you can NOT live without this person
Find the root cause of your co-dependency, and uproot it! Allowing this game of co-dependency to be center stage in your relationships, enables a slow but steady destructive force to affect every “audience” member of your life-play, most importantly yourself.
Soon enough, the entire audience bores of the drama and you will create your fear of abandonment through a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It affects you on all levels: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and can be a truly destructive force.
A life lived in inauthenticity, leads to desperate “out of character behaviour” all in aid to hold unto your “saviour or rescuer”.
The truth is that you are NOT a damsel in distress that needs rescuing. You are an intelligent, dynamic, beautiful, courageous, powerful women… who has everything inside her already to live a prosperous, happy, loving and successful life.
There is a very powerful moment in Louise L. Hay’s movie: You Can Heal Your Life, in which she shared a moment on one of her workshops. A man is struggling with coping with a challenging life experience, and Louise gets up and walks over to him, and says: “We are all looking for a saviour in life, someone who can take care of us…” she then lifts up a mirror in front of this man and says “ Here is your saviour honey – right here in the mirror”.
Break your habit, relationship, addiction, dance or game with co-dependency, and become a whole self-sustained being. You will not only fall in love with life, feel the most liberating and free you have ever felt before, you will also attract your best life yet, and people who will echo the same loving behaviour.
* You will gain everything: yourself.
Being self-sustained does NOT mean that you do not need anyone else and that you can go and live on an island alone. It also does not mean that you will end up a lonely, selfish, or a single spinster with 300 cats.
It means unfolding the powerful, loving, goddess within you~ loving yourself through self-respect, healthy boundaries, knowing your value and self-worth. When you are flowing through life from this space, you have more time and energy to love and be loved in healthy and deeply fulfilling ways. You will also behave, and experience the balance of giving and receiving in equal measures, and not feel depleted because you are cyphering energy through giving all of yourself away and thus not receiving in return. This leads to banking resentment on the subconscious and conscious levels.
When I facilitate a handfasting, there are always 3 candles in this sacred unity candle ceremony. One for each of the couple, representing each person and their unique qualities, and independence and one unity candle. This symbolizes two individuals, coming together in their marriage relationship, they do NOT lose their identity, rather they co-create through their commitment to the relationship of marriage.
Energetically we attach etheric cords to the people we co-create co-dependency with, our chakra system will also be out of alignment.
Whether you believe in energetic cords or not, an attachment will be formed until it is resolved. Choose a method which works for you, to release, cleanse and reclaim your power, presence, and worth.
And for the crystal enthusiast – Rhodonite is one such a very helpful crystal. The Encyclopedia of Crystals, by Judy Hall, confirms that Rhodonite stimulates and heals the heart chakra, it grounds energy and balances the all-important yin-yang energies (when these are imbalanced we receive and give out of balance). It assists us to heal long -term pain and abuse, it is beneficial in emotional self-destruction and co-dependency, clearing away emotional wounds and scars.
If you are ready to listen to that voice within, calling you present to align with your authentic self ~ willing to step out of the toxic cycle and habit of co-dependent relationships, find a therapist that can assist you right now. It will be the start of the most magical life… magical because you have never allowed yourself to imagine such an experience for yourself… not existing for someone else…. but truly Living YOUR best life!